[Witty Quotes] Short Witty Captions for Instagram Witty Selfies
Best Short Funny Witty Captions for Instagram Pictures for Witty Photos and witty selfies, Witty Quotes for boys & girls for funny witty pic on insta.
Witty Captions for Instagram on Witty Pictures
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”—Mitch Hedberg
The best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas. - Linus Pauling
. “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.”—President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove
A life lived in fear is a life half-lived. - Spanish proverb
. “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”—Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls
All progress has resulted from people who took unpopular positions. - Adlai E. Stevenson
. “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.”—David Letterman
Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right. - Henry Ford
. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”—Jack Handey
When you are angry, try your best to go to sleep because it keeps you away from speaking, writing, and thinking. - Amit Kalantri
. Bob: “Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately.”
Peter: “I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob.”—Bob (Paul Wilson) and Peter (Ron Livingston), Office Space
If money doesn’t grow on trees why do bank have branches? - Anonymous
. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”—Mark Twain
So just let me deal with it, I can be emotionally flawed and still love you all at the same time. I’m a great multitasker. - Holly Hood
. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”—Will Ferrell
A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned how to walk forward. - Franklin D. Roosevelt
. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions. - Naguib Mahfouz
. “Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to.”—Phil Connors (Bill Murray), Groundhog Day
Funny Witty Quotes
Intelligence is more important than strength, that is why earth is ruled by men and not by animals. - Amit Kalantri
. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
Human beings aren’t rational animals; we’re rationalizing animals who want to appear reasonable to ourselves. - Eliot Aronson
. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
I wasn't used to guys making me blush, and I wasn't sure why he even was making me blush. - Holly Hood
. “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”—Ellen DeGeneres
Pretending to care what men think is an art. It takes moments to learn, but lifetimes to master. I’d like to believe I’m an expert. - Dennis Sharpe
. “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”—Anonymous
You should praise, criticize and flirt with people right to their face, only then it will make a difference. - Amit Kalantri
. “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”—Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld
Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things. - Peter Drucker
. “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”—Michael Scott (Steve Carrell), The Office
Arguing with a fool proves there are two. - Doris M. Smith
. “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”—Anonymous
You noticed that I wore this outfit twice? Why, the only thing you wear twice is a sour expression. - L.M. Montgomery
Witty Puns Ideas for Bio
. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”—Rodney Dangerfield
We find comfort among those who agree with us, and growth among those who don’t. - Frank A. Clark
. “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”—Les Dawson
I am not fat, I am just easier to see. - Anonymous
. “There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.”—Surgeon (Graham Chapman), Monty Python’s Flying Circus
Friends are like melons; shall I tell you why? To find a good one, you must one hundred try. - Claude Mermet
. “Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”—Steven Wright
By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. - Robert Frost
. Ted Striker: “Surely you can’t be serious.”Dr. Rumack: “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley”—Ted Striker (Robert Hays) and Dr. Rumack (Leslie Nielsen), Airplane!
It ain’t what you know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so. - Mark Twain
.“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.”―Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?
Don’t be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”—Joan Rivers
Improve by 1% a day, and in just 70 days, you’re twice as good. - Alan Weiss
. “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”—Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), Naked Gun ½: The Smell of Fear
The worst distance between two people is misunderstanding. - Anonymous
. “My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.”—Bobby Boucher (Adam Sandler), The Waterboy
Witty Sayings for Pictures
Don’t worry about people stealing an idea. If it’s original, you will have to ram it down their throats. - Howard Aiken
. “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.”—Jimmy Kimmel
I don’t have a bad handwriting. I have my own font. - Anonymous
. “Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last minutes. It lasts forever.”—Pete (Paul Rudd), Knocked Up
Whoever best describes a problem is the one most likely to solve it. - Dan Roam
. “Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce. Either everyone suddenly loves grapes and a week’s worth are eaten in one afternoon, or fruit flies are congregating around my rotting bananas.”—Lessons from the Minivan
Dreams have only one owner at a time. That’s why dreamers are lonely. - Erma Bombeck
. “I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.”—Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory
Time is a great healer, but a poor beautician. - Lucille S. Harper
. “There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy.”—Elise (Goldie Hawn), The First Wives Club
I not only use all the brains I have, but all that I can borrow. - Woodrow Wilson
. Usher: “Bride or groom?” Wedding guest: “It should be perfectly obvious I’m neither!”—Four Weddings and a Funeral
Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don’t laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions. - Criss Jami
. Stan Fields: “Describe your perfect date.” Cheryl: “That’s a tough one. I’d have to say April . Because it’s not too hot and not too cold. All you need is a light jacket.”—Stan Fields (William Shatner) and Cheryl Frasier (Heather Burns), Miss Congeniality
What gets measured gets managed. - Peter Drucker
Sarcastic Witty Quotes
. “I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”—Jerry Seinfeld
Faced with the choice between changing one’s mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof. - John Kenneth Galbraith
. Lucy: “There’s just two things keeping me from dancing in that show.”
Fred: “Your feet?”—Lucy (Lucille Ball) and Fred Mertz (William Frawley), I Love Lucy
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them. - Anonymous
. “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”—Anonymous
The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool. - Richard P. Feynman
. Coach: “How’s a beer sound, Norm?”
Norm: “I don’t know, I usually finish before they get a word in.”—Coach (Nicholas Colasanto) and Norm (George Wendt), Cheers
Fools learn from experience. Wise men learn from the experience of others. - Otto von Bismarck
. “If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.” —Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase), National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
All mankind is divided into three groups: those who are immovable; those who are movable; and those who move. - Benjamin Franklin
.“There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.”—Dowager Countess Violet Crawley (Maggie Smith), Downton Abbey
I am not arguing. I am simply explaining why I’m right. - Anonymous
Short Witty Instagram Captions
. “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”—Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey), Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
An ounce of action is worth a ton of theory. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
. “The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.”—Clairee Belcher (Olivia Dukakis), Steel Magnolias
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. - Anonymous
. “I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.”—Anonymous
The problem human beings face is not that we aim too high and fail, but that we aim too low and succeed. - Michelangelo
. “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”—Graham Norton
Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration. - Thomas Alva Edison
. “I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”—Chandler (Matthew Perry), Friends
Knowledge is proud she knows so much; wisdom is humble that she knows no more. - William Cowper
. “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”—George Carlin
Every man is the architect of his own fortune. - Anonymous
. “When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.”—Larry (Larry David), Curb Your Enthusiasm
We can’t always build the future for our youth, but we can build our youth for the future. - Franklin D. Roosevelt
. “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”—Sir Norman Wisdom
He who wrestles with us, strengthens our nerves and sharpens our skills. Our antagonist is our helper. - Edmund Burke
. “That’s why New York is so great, though. Everyone you care about can despise you and you can still find a bagel so good, nothing else matters. Who needs love when you’ve got lox? They both stink, but only one tastes good.”—Midge Maisel (Rachel Brosnahan), The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will avoid one hundred days of sorrow. - Chinese Proverb
Clever Witty Captions for Insta Pic
. “Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give percent. Unless the job is a statistician.”—Adam Gropman
How you think when you lose determines how long it will be until you win. - Gilbert Keith Chesterton
. “Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’?”—Neil DeGrasse Tyson
Do your own thinking independently. Be the chess player, not the chess piece. - Ralph Charell
. “I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”—Groucho Marx
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. - Anonymous
. “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”—Jay Leno
It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change. - Charles Darwin
. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”—Steve Martin
Playing it safe is the riskiest choice we can ever make. - Sarah Ban Breathnach
. “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”—Dave Barry
I don’t let go of concepts. I meet them with understanding. Then they let go of me. - Byron Katie
. “Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating.”—Frank Semyon (Vince Vaughn), True Detective
The greatest risk is to risk nothing at all. - Anonymous
. “What do you mean, he don’t eat no meat? That’s okay, that’s okay. I make lamb.”—Aunt Voula (Andrea Martin), My Big Fat Greek Wedding
The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make a mistake. - Elbert Hubbard
. “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”—George Burns
I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail. - Abraham Maslow
. “To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!”—Wanda (Jamie Lee Curtis), A Fish Called Wanda
Witty Captions for Boys
It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. - Tom Robbins
. “Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry?”—Shelley Darlingson (Anna Faris), The House Bunny
If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane. - Anonymous
. “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.”—Ellen DeGeneres
However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results. - Winston Churchill
. Francois: “Do you know what kind of a bomb it was?”
Clouseau: “The exploding kind.”—Francois (André Maranne) and Inspector Clouseau (Peter Sellers), The Pink Panther Strikes Again
I’m an angel. The horns are only there to hold up the halo. - Suzanne Wright
. “My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”—Tina Fey, Bossypants
There is never a better measure of what a person is than what he does when he’s absolutely free to choose. - William M. Bulger
. “There is one word that describes people that don’t like me: Irrelevant.”—Anonymous
Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. - Benjamin Disraeli
. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”—Robin Williams
If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative. - Woody Allen
. “I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.”—Dory (Ellen DeGeneres), Finding Dory
Life is like a bird, it’s pretty cute until it shits on your head. - Anonymous
. “I don’t have to take this abuse from you; I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.”—Dr. Peter Venkman (Bill Murray), Ghostbusters
My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person. He believed in me. - Jim Valvano
Witty Captions for Girls
. Police officer: “Pull over.”Harry: “No, it’s a cardigan. But thanks for noticing.”—Harry Dunne (Jeff Daniels), Dumb and Dumber
It is far better to be alone, than to be in bad company. - George Washington
. “I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
Life’s tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late. - Benjamin Franklin
. “If we’re going to pay this much for crab, it better sing and dance and introduce us to the Little Mermaid.”—Claire Foster (Tina Fey), Date Night
To keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button. - Anonymous
. “I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.”—Anonymous
If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm. - Anonymous
. “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.”—Mark Twain
It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance? - Ronald Reagan
. “Woke up today. It was terrible.”—Grumpy Cat
Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward. - Soren Kierkegaard
. “Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at for minutes.”—Anonymous
Maturity involves turning an insult into a feedback. - Aniekee Tochukwu Ezekiel
. “I can’t end my messages with Love, Shaq because the B-s ruined that for me.”—Meme attributed to Shaquille O’Neal
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle. - Plato
. “My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.”—Halley Reed (Mia Farrow), Crimes and Misdemeanors
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. - Anonymous
. “Thanksgiving dinners take hours to prepare. They are consumed in minutes. Half-times take minutes. This is not a coincidence.”—Erma Bombeck
The world hates change yet it is the only thing that has brought progress. - Charles F. Kettering
. “Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”—Mortimer Brewster (Cary Grant), Arsenic and Old Lace
Witty Captions for Friends
Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task. - William James
. Brian: “Look, you’ve got it all wrong. You don’t need to follow me. You don’t need to follow anybody. You’ve got to think for yourselves. You’re all individuals.”
Crowd: “Yes, we’re all individuals!”
Individual: “I’m not!”—Brian (Graham Chapman) and cast, Monty Python’s Life of Brian
Some fellows get credit for being conservative when they are only stupid. - Kim Hubbard
. “Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?”—Lillian (Maya Rudolph), Bridesmaids
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. - Anonymous
. “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”—Oscar Wilde
I’ll go anywhere as long as it’s forward. - David Livingstone
. “What they could do to make it easier is combine the two, real estate and obituaries: Mr. Klein died today leaving a wife, two children, and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace.”—Harry (Billy Crystal), When Harry Met Sally
You either like me or you don’t. It took me 20-something years to learn how to love myself. I don’t have that kinda time to convince somebody else. – Daniel Franzese
. “The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It’s a good non-specific symptom; I’m a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that a good phony fever is a dead lock, but you get a nervous mother, you could wind up in a doctor’s office. That’s worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you’re bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It’s a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school.”—Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick), Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Mean people don’t bother me. But mean people who disguise themselves as nice people bother me a lot. -Cindy Cummings Johnson
. “I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.”—Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker), Sex and the City
I wish people came with a 30 second trailer so I can see what I’m getting myself into. – Karen Salmansohn
Witty Captions for Guys
: Cal: “You are really pushing my buttons today.”Becky: “Which one is ‘mute’?”—Waitress, the Musical
A big secret for happiness: Ignore people who do crappy things to you. – Karen Salmansohn
. “The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”—Anonymous
An hour of worry is even more exhausting than an hour at the gym. Let it go. – Karen Salmansohn
. “People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”—Betty White
I’m always hitting “remind me later” for software updates. Then one day I realized, hmmm, that’ sort of symbolic of how I am dealing with some things in my life. – Karen Salmansohn
. “My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.”—Maria Bamford
I’m finally old enough to be the grandmother to my inner child. So now I’m spoiling my inner child, and giving them all the love they might have missed out on! – Karen Salmansohn
. “From the ages of eight to , me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”—Jarod Kintz
Laundry Schedule: Sort – today. Wash – later. Fold – eventually. Iron – ha, ha, ha.
. “Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.”—Dorothy Parker
. “The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat. So people who don’t know what they’re doing, or who on earth they are can, for only $., get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self.”—Joe Fox (Tom Hanks), You’ve Got Mail
. “Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.”—Lin-Manuel Miranda
. “I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”—Anonymous
. “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”—Groucho Marx
. “I’m one stomach flu away from my goal weight.”—Emily Charlton (Emily Blunt), The Devil Wears Prada
. “My perfect beautiful miracle baby? Never slept. Ever. Never. Twelve years later the memories of those nights, of that sleep deprivation, still make me rock back and forth a little bit. You want to torture someone? Hand them an adorable baby they love who doesn’t sleep.”—Shonda Rimes
. “I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”—Damien Fahey
. “Why yes, I can carry on a conversation made up entirely of movie quotes.”—Anonymous
. “I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”—Jack Whitehall
. “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”—Noel Coward
. “Trying is the first step toward failure.”—Homer Simpson, The Simpsons
. “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”—Zach Galifianakis
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