66+ Clever Sarcastic Captions and Quotes
Short Sarcastic Captions for Instagram and Cool Sarcastic Instagram Quotes For Girls and Boys in 2023.
Sarcasm is a form of irony that is used to convey irony or humor through the use of words that are opposite to their literal meaning. Sarcasm often involves a degree of insincerity or mock severity, and it is often used to make a point or to express frustration or annoyance.
Sarcasm can be difficult to detect in written communication, as it relies on tone of voice and facial expressions to convey the intended meaning. In written communication, sarcasm is often indicated by the use of punctuation, such as the use of quotation marks or exclamation points, or by the use of words or phrases that are traditionally associated with sarcasm, such as "yeah right" or "sure thing."
It is important to be aware of the potential for misunderstanding when using sarcasm, as it can be easily misinterpreted or taken seriously. It is also important to consider the feelings of others when using sarcasm, as it can be hurtful or offensive if used in an unkind or insincere way.
Sarcastic Captions For Instagram and Sarcastic Quotes
“When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.”
“I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.”
“It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.”
“Life’s good, you should get one.”
“Cancel my subscription because I don’t need your issues.”
“I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.”
"God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time."
“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.”
“Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.”
“Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested.”
“I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.”
Funny sarcastic quotes about work
“I send pointless emails late at night to impress coworkers.”
“Please submit your ideas to me today so I can submit them as my own tomorrow.”
“There’s no better vacation than my boss being on vacation.”
“Sometimes I have my headphones in at work with nothing playing so I don’t have to interact with chatty co-workers.”
“I always tell new hires, ‘Don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.’”
“Thanks for calling me to tell me that you just sent me an email.”
“I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I’m probably at work.”
“Here’s to another day of outward smiles and inward screams.”
“I haven’t even gone to bed yet and I already can’t wait to come home from work tomorrow.”
“Don’t mistake my efficiency as meaning I want to do your job, too.”
“Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.”
“If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”
“People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world.”
“I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
“Sarcasm–the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.”
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”
“My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist.”
"I always say 'Morning' Instead of 'good morning' Because if it was a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people."
“Well at least your mom thinks you’re pretty.”
“Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.”
“A sarcastic person has a superiority complex that can be cured only by the honesty of humility.”
Savage Sarcastic Captions For Instagram
“Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.”
“I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.”
“Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode
“Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.”
“Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”
"Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity."
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
“My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.”
"I would like to apologize to anyone I have not offended yet. Please be patient. I will get to you shortly."
"When I ask for directions, please don't use words like 'East.'"
"Sometimes the amount of self-control it takes to not say what's on my mind is so immense, I need a nap afterward."
“Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.”
“Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.”
“My mind is like my internet browser 19 tabs open 3 of them are frozen & I have no idea where the music is coming from”
“Patience: What you have when there are too many witnesses.”
“Society has become so fake that the truth actually bothers people.”
“After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says wtf”
“I don’t care what people think of me. At least mosquitoes find me attractive.”
“Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.”
“I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I needed it.”
“Opinions are like orgasms… mine is more important and I really don’t care if you have one.”
“Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off”
“If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.”
“The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.”
“Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?”
“Money doesn’t make you happy. I have 50 million dollars now but I was just as happy when I only had 48 million.”
“If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.”
“I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead.”
“I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.”
“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.”
"The stuff you heard about me is a lie. I'm way worse."
“Me pretending to listen should be enough for you.”
“I’m 99% angel, but ohhhh, that 1%.”
“If your mom is between 36-44 don’t try her. TUPAC, biggie & Dr.DRE raised her.”
“I’m never sure if I actually have free time or if I just keep forgetting sh*t.”
"Sometimes I wish I were a nicer person, but then I laugh and continue my day."
"I've birthed an entire baby in less time than it takes my husband to poop."
“Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.”
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”
“I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.”
“I’m not listening, but keep talking. I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed.”
“I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.”
“Sarcasm, because beating the crap out of people is illegal.”
“Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.”
"Right before I die I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting."
"“If you’re waiting for me to give a crap, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be while.”
“Shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.”
"Sometimes I meet people and feel bad for their dog."
“Sure I’ll help you out… the same way you came in.”
"You play the victim. I'll play the disinterested bystander."
“Ugliness can be fixed, stupidity is forever.”
“Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.”
“Are you always this retarded or are you making a special effort today?”
“You’d be in good shape… if you ran as much as your mouth.”
“If karma doesn’t hit you, I gladly will.”
“Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.”
“Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm.”
“You always do me a favor, when you shut up!”
“Tell me how I have upset you, because I want to know how to do it again.”
"My neighbors listen to good music whether they like it or not."
"Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face."
“I’m not crazy! The voices tell me I am entirely sane.”
"I’ll try being nicer, if you try being smarter.”
"I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently 'a way out' wasn't the right answer."
"Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans."
“Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm.”
I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.”
“Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.”
Sarcastic Captions For Instagram For Girl
“I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.”
“Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.”
“When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.”
“I’ll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.”
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
“They say each day is a gift! Well, I want to know where customer service is so I can return this one!”
"My boss said I intimidate my co-workers. I stared at him until he apologized."
"Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."
"It's amazing how clean my house can get when I'm pissed off."
"Instead of 'single' as a marital status they should have 'independently owned and operated.'"
“Sarcasm—the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.”
“Sarcasm—because arguing with stupid people just wouldn’t be as much fun.”
“Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.”
“Sarcasm—helping the intelligent politely tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years.”
"I don't fall asleep. I overthink myself into a coma."
“If karma doesn’t hit you, I gladly will.”
"Instead of 'have a nice day,' I think I'll start saying, 'have the day you deserve.' You know, let karma sort things out."
"My favorite party trick is not going."
“If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.”
“Instead of, ‘Have a nice day,’ I think I’ll start saying, ‘Have the day you deserve.’ You know, let karma sort things out.”
“Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.”
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”
“Have some fun with your life. Call in sick to places you don’t even work at.”
"The older I get the less surprised I think I'd be if a random body part just fell off one day."
“I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”
"Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!"
"Why do we spend so much time looking for intelligent life on other planets? I'd be happy to find intelligent life here on Earth first."
“Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.”
“Tell me. Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?”
“Life is full of disappointments and I just added you to the list.”
“You know what I like about people? Their dogs.”
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
“Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.”
Short Sarcastic Captions For Instagram
"People think I go out of my way to piss them off. Trust me, it's not out of my way at all."
"So many people worry about their physical appearance and material
possessions, that they completely disregard their crappy personality."
“Think I am sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care!”
"Marriage. Because your crappy day doesn't have to end at work."
"Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could slap eight people at once."
"How much better would it be if a liar's pants really did catch on fire?"
You're giving me the silent treatment? Finally."
"Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter."
"I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my key, pen, cell phone, temper, and even my mind."
"Yeah, I'm a pacifist. I'm about to pass a fist across your face."
“If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.”
"Autocorrect still thinks I want to say 'duck' 12 times a day."
“If you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever.”
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
"Like good wine, marriage gets better with age – once you learn to keep a cork in it."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability."
“Find your patience before I lose mine.”
“Apparently rock bottom has a basement.”
“Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.”
“Sure I’ll help you out—the same way you came in.”
“Marriage is a bliss for people who aren’t in it.”
“We are all born crazy. Some of us remain that way.”
"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
"Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?"
"There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works."
"Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery."
"This is what happened in love. One of you cried a lot and then both of you grew sarcastic."
"Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name."
“I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you.”
“Me pretending to listen should be enough for you.
“Someday, you’ll go far. I hope you stay there.”
“Please cancel my subscription to your issues.”
“People say that laughter is the best medicine. Your face must be curing the world!”
"I am in full possession of the amazing power of being sarcastic."
"Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them."
"If life gives you lemons, then be thankful for it. I have been getting only the peels for as long as I can remember!"
"I don't know how people can fake whole relationships. I can't even fake a hello to somebody I don't like."
"Marriage is the chief cause of divorce."
Sarcastic Captions For Instagram For Boy
"The whiskey tastes like I'm about to tell you how I really feel."
"I became insane with long periods intervals of horrible sanity."
"I either have my hair and makeup done or look homeless.
"Didn't sleep much but I did get a solid few hours of worrying done."
"We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops."Henny Youngman
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late."
"No, no, no. I’m not insulting you. I’m just describing you."
“You’d be in good shape… if you ran as much as your mouth.”
"Fun fact: Alcohol increases the size of the 'send' button by 89%."
"If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, then don’t ask a stupid question."
"I love being me. It pisses off all the right people."
"When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in peoples' eyes."
"If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out."
"Apparently rock bottom has a basement."
"Someday, you'll go far. I hope you stay there."
"Marriage is a bliss for people who aren’t in it."
"I always carry a knife in my purse. You know, in case of a cheesecake or something."
"You couldn't handle me even if I came with instructions."
"I’m not always rude and sarcastic. Sometimes I'm asleep."
"My alone time is sometimes for your safety."
"When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark."
"It’s ok if you disagree with me. I can’t force you to be right."
"Be happy. It drives people crazy."
"They say ignorance is bliss but I find yours rather disturbing."
"Sometimes the first step toward forgiveness is realizing the other person was born an idiot."
"Being an adult is looking both ways before you cross the street and getting hit by an airplane."
Am I a hot mess? Nope, I’m a spicy disaster!
Be my guest and leave.
Becoming religious means I can now pray for my enemies to burn in eternal hellfire.
Come closer and look at my face. Does it look like I care?
Did it really hurt when I called you stupid? Again, I’m really sorry. I thought you knew all along.
Disagree with me all you want. Being right doesn’t mean everything.
Do you find me saucy and offensive? Then I suggest you quit finding me.
Does running out of f*cks count as cardio?
Even when you’re not here, I feel just as miserable. It’s like you’re here.
Everyone sounds better when their mouths are shut tight.
Everyone would be in good shape if they ran as much as their mouth.
Feed your own ego. I’m busy!
Flattered that you’re jealous of me.
Go ahead, underestimate me. I’m sure it’ll be fun.
Hot Sarcastic Captions
I find it funny, but I’ve forgotten how to laugh. Damn!
I would certainly be a morning person if I woke up in the morning.
Even the Devil Stops Working Just to Admire My Work
If karma doesn’t hit you like a truck, I’ll be willing to hit you like an airplane.
If your phone doesn’t ring, that’s probably me.
Just because I look indifferent doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
Keep rolling your eyes. Perhaps you’ll find a brain back there.
Last time I checked, I didn’t care about anything. And nope, I still don’t care.
My alone time is for your own safety.
My loyalty can never be bought. It can be rented though. Just name the price!
My sarcastic retorts are free of charge! Come get your now!
Notify me when I’m starting to look like I care. I really don’t want to give off the wrong impression.
Oh, no one told you? Perhaps, it’s none of your damn business!
One thing I know is sarcasm is painful euphemism.
Patience is a virtue. Not my virtue though.
People will ask stupid questions no matter what. I guess it’s my legal obligation to offer them sarcastic remarks.
Perhaps, I’m wrong? But, I doubt it.
Pretending to like people is taking a toll on my energy reserves.
Ready in five minutes? Me? I doubt it.
Remember when I asked for your sentiments? Me neither.
Shut your trap when you’re speaking to me.
Think I’m mean, audacious, and sarcastic? Well, watch me pretend to care!
Unless you’re an internet search engine, it’d be wise to stop acting like you know everything.
Why do people say I act like I don’t care? I’m not acting!
"You can be whatever you want; however, in your case you should probably aim low."
"I am not lazy. I am on energy saving mode."
Even the Devil Stops Working Just to Admire My Work
"It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy."
Sarcastic Sayings About Life
Superbly Sarcastic Sayings
“I am not young enough to know everything.”
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
“History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.”
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
"I am currently under construction. Thank you for your patience."
"Whenever I go running, I meet new people... like paramedics."
"I lost your number. I lost it when I hit 'delete.'"
What we feel and think and are is to a great extent determined by the state of our ductless glands and viscera ”
“Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.”
“God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.”
"For Halloween, I'm going to be emotionally stable. No one is going to know it's me."
"We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops."
Sarcastic Captions For One Word
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are."
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight."
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
"When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain."
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me."
"The first draft of my vows, which I wrote the day after we got engaged, clocked in at around 70 pages."
"I wish more people were fluent in silence."
“Money can’t buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.”
“The best things in the world are free – and worth every penny of it.”
“The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.”
"I found your nose. It was in my business."
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
"You repulse me the least."
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
"Being in love is the worst. I mean it’s the best, but it's so hard and scary to open your heart to someone… But the point is, vulnerability is the key to happiness."
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
"Life is like a roller coaster, and I’m about to throw up."
Being hated and ignored makes my life a whole lot easier to manage.
Cancel my subscription! Your issues are not worth my time and effort.
Check back in about five years. By then, maybe I’ve started to care.
Curing the world one sarcastic comment at a time.
Deep inside, I know that my my heart is golden. But this mouth of mine? That’s another story.
Do you know what I like about humans? Their dogs.
Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re not in shape. By the end of the day, “round” is still a shape.
Don’t take my insults seriously. I’m just being sarcastic.
Excuse me, I know this is hell, but may I ask which floor?
Even the devil stops working just to admire my work.
Ever wondered why I don’t have a welcome mat at my door? It’s because I’m not a liar.
Every so often, I meet people and feel bad for their pets.
Find your calm before I totally lose mine.
For some reason, you look really when my eyes are closed.
Forgive and forget? I’m neither God nor an amnesiac.
Sarcastic Captions For Selfies
Hush, nobody cares!
I really want to be a nice person, but this mouth of mine never cooperates.
If I light you a candle and offer you flowers, will you go away?
If there’s trouble wherever you go, then guess what?
In many instances, I wish I have enough middle fingers to go around with.
Indeed, sarcasm falls out of my mouth just as stupid falls from other people.
Just because my intelligence is beyond your understanding doesn’t mean I’m sarcastic.
Let’s keep the bullsh*t to a minimum today, okay?
My circle of connections is really small! One time, I almost cut myself off of it.
My favorite kind of people are those who reply to my sarcasm with their sarcasm.
Not a bad person. But dangerously atrocious, nonetheless.
Not sarcastic. Just brutally honest.
Oh, look what I found! It’s your nose all up in my goddamn business again!
Patience, dear. I’m already f*cking things up as fast as I can.
People talk behind my back, and I’m just here like: “Wow, I’ve got a fan club!”
People think I’m funny, but I’m really not. I’m actually pretty mean, but they always think I’m joking.
Perhaps, I’m not made of sugar and spice, but of sarcasm and brazenness.
Stopped fighting my inner demons long ago. We’re on the same side now.
Tell me how I have upset you. For future reference, mostly.
The devil doesn’t need to lead me into temptation because I already know the way.
The reason why I take hot showers is so that I can get used to the feeling of burning in hell.
The smarter you are, the nicer I am.
Unfortunately, I don’t take orders. I hardly even take suggestions.
What? I don’t speak idiot!
When I asked God for divine punishment, I met you the next day.
Why am I always late? Because good things always take time.
Why attend someone’s funeral if they aren’t going to attend yours?
Who says I’m crazy? The voices keep reassuring me that I’m perfectly sane.
Will I be awarded bonus points if I act like I’m actually concerned?
"Life is full of disappointments and I just added you to the list."
"I'm not a hot mess. I'm a spicy disaster."
"They say good things take time... That’s why I’m always late.”
"You were my cup of tea, but I drink champagne now."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"Oops! Did I just roll my eyes out loud?"
"I need to teach my facial expressions how to use inside their voice."
"Have some fun with your life. Call in sick to places you don't even work at."
"I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly."
"Tuesday is Monday's ugly sister."
Sarcastic Captions Puns
"If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, it’s because you’re both heading in the same direction."
Always remember that you’re unique. Same as everyone else.
Avoid arguing with fools. At a distance, spectators can’t tell which one is which.
Be very careful of humans. Friends and enemies can easily change sides at the drop of a hat.
Being misunderstood all the time doesn’t automatically make you an artist.
Being proficient in sarcasm means you can insult idiots without them ever realizing it.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
Despite sarcasm being one of the most basic form of audacity, it remains to be the funniest.
Don’t worry too much about what other people think. They don’t really do it that often.
Early to bed and early to rise just means you weren’t invited to the party.
Everyone brings joy in a room. Some, by entering. And some, by leaving.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Facing a problem is a whole lot harder when the problem is your face.
Good judgment comes from experience. And experience? Well, that comes from poor judgment.
Have no fear of perfection. You’ll never reach it anyway.
Hideousness can be fixed. Idiocy, on the other hand, is forever.
If stupidity was a profession, then we’d have a world full of billionaires.
If you still haven’t encountered the devil, then there’s a big chance you’ll both meet at the end of the road. In hell, that is.
In the absence of protons, neutrons, electrons, and morons, the universe wouldn’t exist.
It’s all thanks to sarcasm that we can smack people right in the face with words.
Learning sarcasm is like learning a secret language. You can use it to throw up mean words without ever getting in trouble.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
Many rich people are really just janitors and custodians of their own possessions.
No, you’re not ugly. Your face is probably just out of fashion.
Not expecting anything means you’ll never be disappointed in your life.
Occasionally, there comes people who really need a high five. On the head. With a baseball bat.
People say sarcasm is the barest form of wittiness. And that comes from the people who barely understands it.
Physical attractiveness is only skin deep. But ugliness? That goes right to the bone!
Quite a number of people are human versions of the migraine. It’s best to steer clear of them at all costs!
Sarcastic Captions 2023
Silence is golden. But duct tape? Now that’s silver.
Some people are like treasure chests. You just can’t help wanting to bury them in dirt.
Some people really do want you alive, especially those who you took out loans from.
Stalking is such a strong word. Let’s call it social research.
Support bacteria! They’re the only culture some people have.
Tact is for humans who aren’t clever enough to wield the power of sarcasm.
Take a selfie. Fake a life.
There’s a fine like between being tanned, and looking like you rolled in barbecue sauce.
Time flies by when you’re insulting people.
Try not to take yourself too seriously. No one else does.
Use sarcasm as often as needed. It not only kindles joy, it also releases frustration in a comical way.
Violence is definitely not the solution. It’s just part of the equation.
We were all built with a defense mechanism against stupidity. It’s called sarcasm.
When life slams a door in your face, just open it again. Doors work like that.
"My life is just a series of awkward and humiliating moments separated by snacks."
"There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage."
"My boss told me to have a good day so I went home."
"I don't go crazy. I am crazy. I go normal from time to time."
“I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.”
“If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.”
“Do you think God gets stoned? I think so… look at the platypus.”
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.”
“If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.
“Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.”
“Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.”
“I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?